The weekend was more difficult. The whole family around me for the whole day did not make it easy for me to be silent 100% like I would have liked.
Kids and hubby got a little frustrated when they were talking to me and yet HAD to look at me to see if I heard or was going to respond somehow.
This just shows me how little we ALL give the proper attention to the people we supposedly care about.
I have realized that undivided attention is one of the greatest forms of respect and also affection and love that we can offer someone. When I have an upset child as I did yesterday and I took him in my room and he laid next to me on my bed and I told him I thought that he must really be bummed about the issue and then he began to talk because I spoke to him in a way that showed I had heard him and understood him. After not more than 5 minutes we had “made a deal” that I was going to help him with the issue and he was going to try not to react to the situation while I was helping work on in…and he was happy again.
Amazing what just a few minutes of undivided attention does. And giving that short amount of time at that point actually saved a heck of a lot of stressful time later.
In being quiet, I find it easier to hold my tongue so to speak.
I say “so to speak” for this reason.
This morning my son Nico asked me why I was talking and I said that no one will allow me to finish out this week the way I want so instead of it being a VOW of SILENCE it is more a vow of pretty quiet.
So he asked…”Like holding your tongue?” and I was about to say yes when I realize something right then…so I said “NO, because holding your tongue makes it seem like you have to hold something back…when you are being “silent” or “quiet” you are not holding anything back because you had no plans to say anything at all. SO holding back is different and harder and means nothing has changed in your thoughts, feelings or instant reactions… you’re just HOLDING BACK your immediate reactive thoughts and feelings.
I now on the other hand feel like I have better than controlled my tongue. I am changing my thoughts and even my feelings on a lot of things and definitely the way I am choosing to react to certain situations.
Words from other people, looks, sighs, gestures have always been triggers for me and set me off.
I am choosing not to read into things so much and just actually listen to the words.
I feel that people may think they are saying what they want to say and the words themselves may actually have good meaning, but the tone, accompanying looks, and body language that goes along with those words can change their meaning completely.
I realized that I send off LOTS of non verbal signals, looks and negative body language when I am speaking totally NOT getting my original point across the way I had wanted to. Inside thoughts and reactions to my own thoughts get in my own way! Now that is sad…or I guess I should say WAS sad….
I don’t know if the 100% or even 90% Vow Of Silence I had initially hoped to keep up for a week is actually realistic when I’m living in a house with 6 kids- instead of going on a silent retreat somewhere. I am sure that being silent when everyone else is also in silent mode is MUCH easier! Being silent when people are calling you from the other room and trying to get there quick enough so they don’t think you are ignoring them and so then they keep yelling doesn’t help the situation and then would just fill your head up with more noise.
I still would recommend doing it with the family tho because it really makes you see what you would have said in real life moments and situations and how different those moments became because you said NOTHING!
So through all this I would recommend doing this for a day or two or three….definitely. Even the first 24 hours offered me a great deal of insight but I am still seeing more every day now.
Spiritually I found that it has made it easier to pray when I am quiet. Instead of my standard….
“Please God…help me” it almost feels like you can hold a conversation. It really is almost like you are somewhere else. Like a fly on the wall. Like invisible…YES in a way it makes you feel invisible… You sort of feel that no one else is around…because unless they are talking to you, you are not really paying attention to the chatter around you just so you can try to stick in your two cents. You are JUST listening with no plans of speaking in mind.
I often say that 100 pennies still makes a dollar when it comes to saving, and so in this case your two cents should definitely be kept in your pocket…what a savings of your peace of mind and everyone around you if you start saving those 2 cents now.
So anyway, back to God…it’s almost like you can feel a presence…or something that is more tangible and close- not so far off and distant in the heavens somewhere. When you are just inside yourself…even when there are people around, it is an interesting feeling. Like you are floating…like you are on the outside looking in. It is like you can see yourself and how you “would have” interacted because you know yourself and know what you would have done but then at the same time you see how your NOT being in the fray makes a really big difference…in fact you might even see that you WERE the fray….as I realized I would have been a few of those times I was observing.
Because of our very busy house…I was not able to be AS silent as I wanted. BUT in a very short time I have learned amazing things. About me and about people in general. I see the speed at which everything travels…whether it is the boys getting food…and it has to be NOW because “I’m starving” or the quick rush in the house to turn on the TV after school…
Can we have a slow conversation? No…it is a conversations with 10 people all speaking at once…people picking and choosing what they want to hear and what they want to react or respond to..and doing this all while hovered around an “under the counter” 9 inch TV in the kitchen.
I realized this craziness we call life as we currently know it has to stop. I have to stop. All we are doing is spinning our wheels and getting nowhere.
I know I haven’t gotten anywhere in years. But I am going to change my driving habits. I’m driving with all wheels on the ground. I’m driving slower. In driving slower I will never have to slam on the brakes or back up because I will be traveling at a pace where I had the time to respond to a situation up ahead instead of having to react quickly to it…which could still cause an accident. I will also be able to enjoy the scenery and the breeze in my hair instead of the wind that blows in my face when I’m driving too fast and then my hair gets in my eyes and once again I can’t see clearly. But I thought I loved the wind in my face. So I never used to notice that I couldn’t see. Now I see.
This QUIETness that has become more me all of a sudden is I THINK the me I was searching for my whole life. It’s the ME who can actually see ME. I was always looking outside for affirmation, confirmation, affection, attention, but now…I realize all the love and affirmation and attention I need is within me. I am within me. God is within me. I am good. I can do things well. I am strong. I am kind. I am compassionate. I care about others. I love with all my heart. I am beautiful inside and out.
All the things that I didn’t like about myself were really only one thing. And now that is gone…disappeared…poof…into the quiet air that I hear so much more in now….and I think I have the one thing that will carry me thru the rest of my life…
WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW….. I just REALLY figured out what that ONE thing was that Curly the cowboy tried to tell Billy Crystal in City Slickers. Hmmmmmm………..I wish he’d said it out loud in the movie…I might have gotten all this a long time ago!
I must say…Just be quiet–long enough– and you might figure out what yours is too.
Thank you God for all that I have and all that I will have and the people that I love and love me.
and thank you God for not letting me get old and die without figuring all this out….
Peace,
Dorina
Vow of Silence-Part 3
The weekend was more difficult. The whole family around me for the whole day did not make it easy for me to be silent 100% like I would have liked.
Kids and hubby got a little frustrated when they were talking to me and yet HAD to look at me to see if I heard or was going to respond somehow.
This just shows me how little we ALL give the proper attention to the people we supposedly care about.
I have realized that undivided attention is one of the greatest forms of respect and also affection and love that we can offer someone. When I have an upset child as I did yesterday and I took him in my room and he laid next to me on my bed and I told him I thought that he must really be bummed about the issue and then he began to talk because I spoke to him in a way that showed I had heard him and understood him. After not more than 5 minutes we had “made a deal” that I was going to help him with the issue and he was going to try not to react to the situation while I was helping work on in…and he was happy again.
Amazing what just a few minutes of undivided attention does. And giving that short amount of time at that point actually saved a heck of a lot of stressful time later.
In being quiet, I find it easier to hold my tongue so to speak.
I say “so to speak” for this reason.
This morning my son Nico asked me why I was talking and I said that no one will allow me to finish out this week the way I want so instead of it being a VOW of SILENCE it is more a vow of pretty quiet.
So he asked…”Like holding your tongue?” and I was about to say yes when I realize something right then…so I said “NO, because holding your tongue makes it seem like you have to hold something back…when you are being “silent” or “quiet” you are not holding anything back because you had no plans to say anything at all. SO holding back is different and harder and means nothing has changed in your thoughts, feelings or instant reactions… you’re just HOLDING BACK your immediate reactive thoughts and feelings.
I now on the other hand feel like I have better than controlled my tongue. I am changing my thoughts and even my feelings on a lot of things and definitely the way I am choosing to react to certain situations.
Words from other people, looks, sighs, gestures have always been triggers for me and set me off.
I am choosing not to read into things so much and just actually listen to the words.
I feel that people may think they are saying what they want to say and the words themselves may actually have good meaning, but the tone, accompanying looks, and body language that goes along with those words can change their meaning completely.
I realized that I send off LOTS of non verbal signals, looks and negative body language when I am speaking totally NOT getting my original point across the way I had wanted to. Inside thoughts and reactions to my own thoughts get in my own way! Now that is sad…or I guess I should say WAS sad….
I don’t know if the 100% or even 90% Vow Of Silence I had initially hoped to keep up for a week is actually realistic when I’m living in a house with 6 kids- instead of going on a silent retreat somewhere. I am sure that being silent when everyone else is also in silent mode is MUCH easier! Being silent when people are calling you from the other room and trying to get there quick enough so they don’t think you are ignoring them and so then they keep yelling doesn’t help the situation and then would just fill your head up with more noise.
I still would recommend doing it with the family tho because it really makes you see what you would have said in real life moments and situations and how different those moments became because you said NOTHING!
So through all this I would recommend doing this for a day or two or three….definitely. Even the first 24 hours offered me a great deal of insight but I am still seeing more every day now.
Spiritually I found that it has made it easier to pray when I am quiet. Instead of my standard….
“Please God…help me” it almost feels like you can hold a conversation. It really is almost like you are somewhere else. Like a fly on the wall. Like invisible…YES in a way it makes you feel invisible… You sort of feel that no one else is around…because unless they are talking to you, you are not really paying attention to the chatter around you just so you can try to stick in your two cents. You are JUST listening with no plans of speaking in mind.
I often say that 100 pennies still makes a dollar when it comes to saving, and so in this case your two cents should definitely be kept in your pocket…what a savings of your peace of mind and everyone around you if you start saving those 2 cents now.
So anyway, back to God…it’s almost like you can feel a presence…or something that is more tangible and close- not so far off and distant in the heavens somewhere. When you are just inside yourself…even when there are people around, it is an interesting feeling. Like you are floating…like you are on the outside looking in. It is like you can see yourself and how you “would have” interacted because you know yourself and know what you would have done but then at the same time you see how your NOT being in the fray makes a really big difference…in fact you might even see that you WERE the fray….as I realized I would have been a few of those times I was observing.
Because of our very busy house…I was not able to be AS silent as I wanted. BUT in a very short time I have learned amazing things. About me and about people in general. I see the speed at which everything travels…whether it is the boys getting food…and it has to be NOW because “I’m starving” or the quick rush in the house to turn on the TV after school…
Can we have a slow conversation? No…it is a conversations with 10 people all speaking at once…people picking and choosing what they want to hear and what they want to react or respond to..and doing this all while hovered around an “under the counter” 9 inch TV in the kitchen.
I realized this craziness we call life as we currently know it has to stop. I have to stop. All we are doing is spinning our wheels and getting nowhere.
I know I haven’t gotten anywhere in years. But I am going to change my driving habits. I’m driving with all wheels on the ground. I’m driving slower. In driving slower I will never have to slam on the brakes or back up because I will be traveling at a pace where I had the time to respond to a situation up ahead instead of having to react quickly to it…which could still cause an accident. I will also be able to enjoy the scenery and the breeze in my hair instead of the wind that blows in my face when I’m driving too fast and then my hair gets in my eyes and once again I can’t see clearly. But I thought I loved the wind in my face. So I never used to notice that I couldn’t see. Now I see.
This QUIETness that has become more me all of a sudden is I THINK the me I was searching for my whole life. It’s the ME who can actually see ME. I was always looking outside for affirmation, confirmation, affection, attention, but now…I realize all the love and affirmation and attention I need is within me. I am within me. God is within me. I am good. I can do things well. I am strong. I am kind. I am compassionate. I care about others. I love with all my heart. I am beautiful inside and out.
All the things that I didn’t like about myself were really only one thing. And now that is gone…disappeared…poof…into the quiet air that I hear so much more in now….and I think I have the one thing that will carry me thru the rest of my life…
WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW….. I just REALLY figured out what that ONE thing was that Curly the cowboy tried to tell Billy Crystal in City Slickers. Hmmmmmm………..I wish he’d said it out loud in the movie…I might have gotten all this a long time ago!
I must say…Just be quiet–long enough– and you might figure out what yours is too.
Thank you God for all that I have and all that I will have and the people that I love and love me.
and thank you God for not letting me get old and die without figuring all this out….
Peace,
Dorina
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